Children Don't Tell

"Who told you? I didn't want you to know."

"It's none of your business. Don't call the school!"

"I'm fine."

In my experience, children refrain from admitting someone is bullying them. They'd prefer to let the predicament fester than admit to the problem. For years, the reason baffled me.

I have since learned there are many reasons children keep bullying issues to themselves. Some of the reasons may include:

* Embarrassment
* The bully is a friend
* Fear their parents will make matters worse
* Self blame
* Retaliation
* Refusal to snitch

When bullying affected my child, I recognized a change in personality. My outgoing child suddenly had stomachaches in the morning and begged to stay home from school. His grades dropped and teachers called to complain of daydreaming and sleeping in class. The parent of another child confirmed the problem.

I have learned the importance of remaining calm when my children are upset. Expressing fear or sadness often causes them to recoil.

Research indicates that the best thing a parent can do is remain calm during tough conversations with their children. It is suggested that we ask about the situation and refrain from interrupting when they do finally speak. I have always assured my children they are not at fault. Even if they provoked the situation, I remind them that no one deserves verbal or physical abuse.

My parental instinct is to stomp on to the playground and confront the parent of the bully. This action causes further embarrassment for your child and often, it doesn't resolve the problem. The one time I contacted a parent requesting they assist me in correcting the situation, the problem escalated. I feel the best approach is working with school personnel.

Psychologists suggest that role-playing prepares your child to handle a bully in the future. I have used this tactic in other aspects of my child's life and figure it's worth a try.

I refrain from using the word "bullying" when speaking with a teacher or principal. I'm shocked by the reasons children abuse one another. Bullying is not always the reason. Sometimes the children just don't get along. I feel it is more important staff members understand how the event affected my child than to bury them in facts.

Since most occurrences take place outside the classroom, I request that staff members pay particular attention to my child during locker room use, gym, lunch and recreation, in the hallway, bathroom and on the school bus.

I always follow up to check on the progress and to ask what steps they have taken to rectify the situation.

While it hurts that my children do not always come to me with problems, I swallow my pride and enlist the help of family members, the school nurse, school psychologists and social workers to help my child express their concerns and fears. When the need arises, I do not hesitate to contact a mental health provider.

Learn the warning signs of bullying. Do not ignore the affects.



Research sites: empowering parents----stop bullying.gov

The information provided in this blog is based on my own experience as a mother. Every situation is different. Seek professional help if your child is bullied.

Next week: Empowering bystanders